There is something liberating about taking stock, acknowledging the place you are in your life and taking a moment to capture it. For a long time, I have wanted to do one but you know, life. I must mention the consistency of Chronicles of Nanania, who I consider a friend of my mind and from whom, I have borrowed the idea of taking stock in alphabetic order inspired this. Her, Sharon Mundia’s Taking Stock and obviously my life, without which there would be nothing worth taking stock for…
Being: Just being. Fully being. Marinating in moments because after a while details become hazy, edges begin fading out and memories take the shape of what we paint them to be. Therefore, being fully conscious in moments where I would otherwise be a half ass presence.
Cultivating: Honesty as a virtue. Knowing it takes my being honest enough to acknowledge difficult truths about myself first before extending that courtesy to another. Refusing to swallow these truths with a hard lump on my throat and instead spreading them out in the light of day; ‘here is what I am ashamed of, how do I better it?’
Drinking: Far less alcohol than I did last year when obviously I had a pile of baggage to deal with and “gai anyway’d” through a good number of them. Saying no when I need to, going home when I have to and drinking to make merry as opposed to drinking to die.
Enjoying: Gifting and showing really GRAND gestures. Immersing myself in the process of making the perfect gift for a friend here and a lover there and watching how their eyes light up in the presence of my love. Currently working on being as easily grand to myself as I am to others. Mostly because I have such high gifting standards that nobody except me may ever reach (which is genuinely okay) and also because self-love.
Falling: More and more in love with flowers; orange tulips, yellow roses, carnations as bright as day, budding and budded alike. I think flowers signify for me a softness so heavy I can barely put it in words.
*So obviously I am into Sanaa’s recent very flowery January shoot! As well as Bloom by ALA because flowers with great packaging are just overwhelming.
Feeling: Everything. The warmth in the corners of my heart, the cold at the tip of my toes, the strength around my temples, the tremble masquerading as a smile on my lips, the resilience of my breasts, the butterflies in and about my gut and the sun inside and out.
Learning: Not to look for home at the feet of people who could never possibly handle the force of my personality. And so, what gives? Dusting off my own home, removing cobwebs from my old walls and being my own motherfucking foundation.
Loving: Passionately and Deliberately and Wildly. Refusing on the same, to put neither something as intangible as love in a box nor something as insatiable to a limit. So, here’s to loving my way through life just as much as I seek to be loved.
*NB: My love comes with terms and conditions though. Applies to everyone except rapists, misogynists, people who think being poor is a choice, homophobes, dictators and other shitty human beings along those lines.
Reading: Beloved by Toni Morrison. Enjoying the back and forth of her words and obviously hating white people as a default reaction to when I read about slavery. In other news though, who knew words could force you to feel?
Realizing: I am a universe. Still. And that after all is done, I will always have flowers in my hair and stars for eyes and like so, I should carry myself. And when you are a universe, you use your power to move and lift mountains off people.
Wanting: More. Not in the cliché break up statement ‘I WANT MORE’ sort of way. But genuinely wanting to be more, give more, feel more and see more. Knowing also of the adjustments I need to make to position myself for more. Ridding myself of every unnecessary thing and packing light, for example, to make room for the more that I so desperately seek.
Watching: Things fall into place, out of place, here and then there, and realizing that my life is way bigger than me, I could never possibly contain it. Trying regardless, to define my path and shape my large existence into memories I can one day embrace.